Anti-Donald Trump for President Jokes
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This collection of Trump jokes will keep expanding with new ones at the top.
What do Trump and Godzilla both have in common?
Ans: They're both reptiles with tiny hands.
What does Hurricane Harvey have in common with Donald Trump?
Ans: Both are natural disasters.
What do you get when you cross Donald Trump with an asshole?
Ans: An ignoranus.
What jobs will sharply increase under Predator Trump?
Did you hear that scientists just discovered all the missing dark matter in the universe?
Ans: It's the Trump family and all their white nationalist supporters.
Did you hear that Comedy Central is going to roast Donald Trump"
Ans: They're calling it a pig roast.
What does Wal-Mart and Donald Trump share in common?
Ans: Both have young girl's underwear half off.
What does Donald Trump and the Syracuse University football team share in common?
Ans: They're both known as the Orangemen.
What's do Turkey Vultures and Donald Trump both share in common?
Ans: They both have bald heads and stuff their faces with red meat.
What's the difference between 1000 kilograms and Donald Trump?
Ans: One's a metric ton. The other is a SimpleTON.
What does Donald Trump and a young hen have in common?
Ans: They both keep laying lots of eggs.
Why do Trump supporters remain so ignorant about the man?
Ans: Because like him they don't read.
What's the difference between Trump and a bald man?
Ans: There is no difference.
What does Donald Trump and a hand job have in common?
Ans: They both go off in spurts and leave a mess to clean up.
What is an effective pick-up line at a Trump campaign rally?
Ans: Nice tooth!
Why do they hold outdoor Trump rallies on Astroturf instead of grass?
Ans: So his supporters can't graze while he's speaking.
How can you be certain that Christ won't show up at one of Donald Trump's rallies?
Ans: Because none of his events have wise men or virgins.
What do they call people showing up at Trump campaign rally wearing two shoes?
Ans: Clinton supporters.
What happens when Trump supporters show up at a Hillary Clinton event?
Ans: It lowers the IQ in the room by 50%.
What's the difference between yogurt and a Trump campaign event?
Ans: Yogurt has an active culture.
Why don't they serve Kool-Aid during a hot summer day Trump rally?
Ans: Because none of his campaign staff knows how to pour a quart of water into one of those small packets.
How do you get a Trump campaign worker to leave your front porch?
Ans: You pay him for the pizza.
What's the difference between a jack rabbit and Donald Trump?
Ans: One's a wild hare. And the other is a wild hair.
What expression best describes the profession of Trump supporters?
Ans: Would you like fries with your burger?
What do you call a Trump campaign worker driving from one campaign rally to another with a truckload of sheep?
Ans: A pimp.
How many Trump supporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ans: FOUR. One to hold the bulb and the others to turn the lamp.
What did most of Trump's campaign staffers get on their job applications?
What was the only sign of intelligent life at Trump's campaign event in Green Bay, Wisconsin?
Ans: Madison 122 miles.
A State Trooper pulls over a driver who just left a Trump campaign rally and says to him:
"Got any ID?"
The driver says, "About what?"
Did you hear about the new zoo Donald Trump created?
Ans: He built a big wall around all his supporters.
What's the difference between the race horse D. J. Trump and Donald Trump?
Ans: The horse broke down before it could start its racing career and Donald Trump broke down after he won his first race.
*Read the book Trumped by John R. O'Donnell (1991) to learn about how Donald Trump ruined this horse for life and then backed away from the sale leaving the seller stuck with $50,000 of vet bills.
What's the difference between a blow job and a Donald Trump speech?
Ans: At least during a blow job you don't have to listen to someone bragging about all their money and how great they are for several minutes.
What does the Trump campaign and a baby share in common?
Ans: Someone always has to be cleaning up after the shit they leave behind.
What's the difference between Socrates and Donald Trump?
Ans: Socrates surrounded himself with wise men while Trump surrounded himself with Wise Guys.
What does Donald Trump share in common with textile workers?
Ans: They both engage in extensive fabrication.
What does a patient undergoing brain surgery have in common with Donald Trump?
Ans: They're both numbskulls
What's the difference between a kitchen counter-top slow cooker and Donald Trump?
Ans: One's a crockpot and the other is a crackpot.
What did the Weather Channel's Dr. Greg Forbes say after attending a Trump rally?
Ans: That was one of the most destructive events I've ever witnessed.
What does a Scottish bagpipe and Donald Trump have in common?
Ans: Both are big windbags.
What's the difference between a floozy and Donald Trump?
Ans: One's a cheap date and the other's a cheap-skate.
What does King Tut and Donald Trump share in common?
Ans: Both have large gold heads and are Kings of da'Nile.
What do the Ringling Brothers have in common with the Trump campaign?
Ans: It's a place where you can watch lots of clowns.
What the difference between a large African ape with a dog-like muzzle and Donald Trump?
Ans: One's a baboon and the others a buffoon.
What does Jerry Lewis share in common with Trump?
Ans: Both are loud-mouthed showmen.
What do Donald Trump's supporters share in common with exclusive country clubs and the GOP?
Ans: Their membership is mostly angry white men.
What does Amtrak and the Trump campaign share in common?
Ans: They're both trainwrecks waiting to happen.
What do NASCAR enthusiasts and Trump supporters share in common?
Ans: They both like waiting for a big crash.
What does a Mark Twain novel share in common with a Donald Trump rally?
Ans: One's main character is Huck Finn and the other's main character is Huckster
Why is so hard to write good Donald Trump jokes?
Ans: Because he's already a punchline.
What does Donald Trump have in common with mosquitoes?
Ans: They're both bloodsuckers.
Even though he won't become President, why might Donald Trump's face appear on Mt. Rushmore ?
Ans: Because he's a chiseller.
What does the game of Bridge have in common with the 2016 election?
Ans: Both will produce a NO Trump.
What does Donald Trump have in common with the Hooker Chemical Company?
Ans: Their byproducts are toxic waste.
What does it mean when Donald Trump brags about all his debt?
Ans: Someone else got screwed on the other end.
Why was Donald Trump so distraught after the Orlando mass shooting?
Ans: Because his poll numbers didn't go up.
What do Trump campaign donors have in common with people who attend amusement parks?
Ans: They both like being taken for a ride.
Why should Trump only speak to a roomful of Altzheimer patients?
Ans: Because they will quickly forget everything he says to them.
What's the difference between the 9/11 clean-up workers and Trump?
Ans: The former bulldozed all the wreckage and the latter bulldozed the GOP.
What does Donald Trump have in common with Amtrak?
Ans: They both frequently go off the rails.
A landfill, a one-legged man, and The Donald?
Ans: A dump, a stump, and a Trump.
What's the difference between Dolly Parton and Donald Trump?
Ans: One has really big boobs and the other is a really big BOOB.
What does Pamela Sue Anderson and Donald Trump share in common?
Ans: They've both screwed lots of people.
What does it mean to graduate at the top of your class from Trump University?
Ans: You had to pay Trump more money than the others who didn't.
Why did Donald Trump get four deferments from draft boards that kept him from serving in Vietnam,
Ans. Because the military couldn't guarantee everyone he'd only come back in a body bag.
Why does Donald Trump wear a bright red baseball cap to his rallies?
Ans: Because the color matches the anger on his supporter's faces.
What makes Donald Trump so angry about all the Trump University lawsuits?
Ans: This fraud couldn't wait until after the election.
How do you beat a big bully like Dpnald Trump?
Ans: Repeatedly over the head with a tire iron.
What did the skulk of foxes do when Donald Trump walked by their den?
Ans: They all stared and pig whistled at him.
What do Donald Trump and Kenya both have in common?
Ans: You won't find Trump's birth certificate there either.
What does red wine and Donald Trump have in common?
Ans: They both will leave a bad stain that's hard to remove.
Sylvester Stallone, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump.
Ans: Name a Demolition Man, a famous Democrat, and a Demogogue?
What's the definition of sexual abuse?
Ans: Seeing Donald Trump naked.
What does an F5 tornado and Trump share in common?
Ans: When they both touch down they leave a large path of destruction.
How much money did Donald Trump owe to all the veterans groups?
Ans: According to him, what he wanted to give them.
Why does Donald Trump wear his hair that way?
Ans: So more people don't poke fun at his expansive waistline.
What does Donald Trump have in common with a midwife?
Ans: They both are Birthers.
What do the Trump casinos have in common with the the Exxon Valdez?
Ans: They were both were run into the ground by those in charge.
What do Trump rallies have in common with central Florida?
Ans: They both contain lots of trailer trash.
What does Donald Trump have in common with Amway founder Richard DeVos, Dr. Oz, and Glenn Beck?
Ans: They're all snake oil salesmen.
John Cusack, Angelica Huston, and Donald Trump.
Ans: What are grifters?
What does Donald Trump have in common with crabgrass?
Ans: You have kill both at their roots to destroy them.
What does Trump and an AR-15 assault rifle both have in common?
Ans: When they go off lots of innocent people get hurt.
What does Donald Trump have in common with the Apache Indians?
Ans: They both strayed too far off the reservation.
When will Donald Trump release his Federal Tax Returns?
Ans: As soon as he pays some taxes.
What does the Sea of Azov have in common with Donald Trump?
Ans: They both are extremely shallow.
What do you get once you graduate from Trump University?
Ans: A big loan.
Why isn't Trump self-funding his campaign anymore?
Ans: Because despite what he said, tightwads always let someone else pay for everything.
What explains the existence of the Donald J. Trump Foundation?
Ans: It's just another something he can put his name on.
What did all the veterans groups do once Trump finally paid them the money he owed them?
Ans: They cashed their checks immediately before they could bounce.
How long does it take Trump to do his hair every day?
Ans: Not all that long since it snaps together in sections.
How does Trump prevent his bad comb over from blowing away on a windy day?
Ans: He doesn't. Instead he uses this hair as a weather vane.
What does Trump's puckered mouth and an anus have in common?
Ans: Besides looking alike, they're both places that only shit comes out of.
What will it take to beat Donald Trump in 2016?
Ans: A heavy baseball bat.
What does Donald Trump and the Kama Sutra have in common?
Ans: They're both full of ill-thought out positions.
What's the difference between Melania Trump and Donald Trump?
Ans: One is a tight ass and the other is a tight-wad.
Why does Donald Trump only read tabloids instead of newspapers?
Ans: Because in Trumpworld tabloids and newspapers are the same.
Why is Donald Trump so ignorant when it comes to domestic and foreign policy?
Ans: Because in the process of learning about these topics his name is never mentioned.
What happened when Trump supporters realized they were conned?
Ans: They also realized they were broke.
What's the difference between a wooden nickel and Donald Trump?
Ans: They are both worth-less.
What does Donald Trump and an Orangutan have in common?
Ans: They are both chubby orange-haired hairy apes that like tossing their own shit.
Why did Donald Trump hang a Moosehead instead of a Spring Bok head over his fireplace mantle?
Ans: Because he wanted to look at another large rack.
What do Donald Trump and his liver have in common?
Ans: They both spew lots of nasty bile.
Why will you never see Donald Trump in church?
Ans: Because no one will pay him to attend.
What do Donald Trump's real estate business and Trump casinos share in common?
Ans: They both make lots of money from other people's misfortunes.
What's the difference between a card shark and Donald Trump?
Ans: One only plays with a stacked deck and the other only plays with a stacked rack.
Why does Donald Trump always brag about and inflate his accomplishments and net worth?
Ans: You might too if you didn't have anything else to talk about.
What's the difference between a Hurricane and a Donald Trump rally?
Ans: At least when a hurricane is approaching there is plenty of warning to stay out of the way.
What's the difference between a Grimm Brothers fairy tale and Donald Trump?
Ans: One features Rumpelstiltskin. The other features Rumpledforeskin.
Why did Donald Trump walk out of the hobby shop without buying anything?
Ans: Because all the boxes said "actual models not included."
What do Donald Trump and a grape both have in common?
Ans: They both are very thin-skinned.
What U.S federal court should be named after Donald Trump?
Ans: The Bankruptcy Court.
What was the difference between Operation Enduring Freedom and Donald Trump?
Ans: Operation Enduring Freedom was "shock and awe." Donald Trump was "shock and nah!"
Why did Donald Trump ask the Guiness Book of World records to include him for solving an 18-piece puzzle in only three months?
Ans: Because the box said: 3-5 years.
What's the difference between a Trump presidency and an F5 tornado?
Ans: At least you have a chance to survive the tornado.
What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?
Ans: They both wave their tiny hands to get attention.
Why is Donald Trump considerig NJ Governor Chris Christie as his running mate?
Ans: He gets two human shields for the "price" of one.
What's the difference between Jesus and Donald Trump?
Ans: One is the Son of God. The other is a son-of-a-bitch.
Why do Trump supporters carry bottles of Windex to his rallies?
Ans: So they can keep their tin foil hats looking nice and shiny.
How many wives has Trump had?
Ans: None. But he has three trophies.
Why did Donald Trump leave the Miss Universe beauty pageant?
Ans: Because he couldn't afford to pay anymore alimony.
What do you get when you cross Trump with an Orangutan?
Ans: An orange bigoted monkey with really bad-looking hair.
Why won't Trump release his tax returns?
Ans: Because nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'.
What does Donald Trump and a tuba have in common?
Ans: Most women prefer not to blow one.
Why is Trump running for President?
Ans: Because he couldn't run for King in a U.S. election.
In what state will you find the most Trump supporters?
Ans: The State of Anxiety.
How is Trump like a used car dealer?
Ans: They both keep trading older models in for newer ones.
What sign won't you see at a Trump rally?
Ans: ALTA! [Spanish for STOP!]
What's the difference between an All Star Los Angeles Laker and a Trump publicist?
Ans: One's Magic Johnson and the other is Les Johnson.
Donald Trump walks into a bar carrying a pig under his arm. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that pig? The pig looks at the bartender and replies, "I won him in a raffle."
What happened after Donald Trump bought a controlling interest in Washington D.C's NFL team?
Ans: The team's name was changed to the Washington Orangeskins.
What does Melania Trump, Marla Maples, and Ivana Trump all have in common with Freeport McMoRan?
Ans: They're all gold diggers.
How do you know that Trump steaks contain way too much fat?
Ans: Have you looked at Trump's waistline?
What do Trump University and a prison have in common?
Ans: When you get out there are no jobs waiting.
Another version: What do Trump University and a prison have in common?
Ans: They're both places where lots of people got screwed.
What do Trump casinos and a careless dry cleaning business have in cpmmon?
Ans: You'll lose your shirt in both places.
What's the difference between a hornet and Donald Trump?
Ans: One will swoop down and give you a prick if you get too close to its nest. The other is a prick.
What do Trump steaks and Trump's penis have in common?
Ans: Once you remove all the fat, all you end up with is a small piece of meat.
When do you know that your new neighbors are xenophopic, sexist, racist, psychotic, and ignorant conspiracy theorists?
Ans: You observe them putting up a "Trump for President" sign in their front yard.
Why was it such a terrible tragedy when a bus carrying a bunch of Trump supporters to one of his rallies careened over over a steep cliff, crashed, and burst into flames?
Ans: There were a few empty seats.
When will the new season of the TV show The Biggest Loser begin?
Ans: Right after Trump loses the 2016 election.
What thing doesn't belong on this list: Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Donald Trump?
Ans: Donald Trump. At least the other things you can get rid of.
What do you get when you combine tomato juice, vodka, worchestershire sauce with a room full of Trump supporters?
Ans: A bloody mess.
Why does Donald Trump respect his daughter Ivanka so much?
Ans: You would too if your own daughter turned down your sexual advances.
What does Donald Trump have in common with a sperm cell?
Ans: They both have a 1/1,000,00th chance of becoming a human being.
How do you know when Donald Trump is lying to you?
Ans: When you see his mouth moving.
What is the difference between Donald Trump and a prostitute:
Ans: At least the prostitute will stop screwing you after she's left.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and an onion?
Ans: No one will cry when you chop up Trump.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bag of shit?
Ans: The bag.
Do you know the difference between a parade float going by with Trump sitting and waving on it and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
Ans: On the Hoover vacuum cleaner the dirt bag is on the inside.
Why did the State of New York get Donald Trump while New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps"
Ans: New Jersey got to pick first.
What do you do if you come across Donald Trump buried up to his neck in shit?
Ans: Add more shit!
What do you do if you're stuck in an elevator with Donald Trump, a couple rattlesnakes and a large cobra and you only have two bullets in your gun?
Ans: You shoot Trump with the two bullets and try and climb out of the elevator hoping the snakes don't get you.
What does a Shakespeare play and Trump foreign policy have in common?
Ans: Much ado about nothing.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and the Hindenburg?
Ans: One is a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other is a dirigible.
What goes with the names: David, Neil, Gary, and Ivana?
Ans: a Spade, a Diamond, a Hart, and a No Trump.
What is the definition of perfect pitch?
Ans: Someone who can toss Donald Trump into a dumpster from 10' away without hitting the sides of the dumpster.
Why does Trump cry during sex?
Ans: Mace will do that to you.
What fake name did Donald Trump use while posing as his own publicist so he could speak positively about himself and his sex life on the phone with reporters?
Ans: The name he used was Les Johnson.
What did Donald Trump call his Miss Universe beauty pageant?
Just curious: If Donald Trump is walking in a forest and talking and there is no one around, would cable news still hear him?
What's the difference between an indoor Trump rally and a cactus?
Ans: The cactus has 10,000 pricks on the outside.
What is the difference between a battery and Donald Trump?
Ans: A battery has a positive side.
How will you ever know if Donald Trump is well hung?
Ans: When you can't fit two fingers between the rope and his neck.
What is the difference between Donald Trump syndrome and Mad Cow Disease?
Ans: There is none.
What has a hundred teeth and guards a small penis?
Ans: Trump's zipper.
What has a large stage, a podium, and assholes every few feet?
Ans: A Trump rally.
What did Donald Trump's parents say after he was born?
Ans: We need to be able to do better than that.
What is the difference between Donald Trump and government bonds?
Ans: In time the bonds mature.
What do you do when you see Donald Trump having a seizure in the bath tub?
Ans: Throw in a load of dirty laundry.
What is the fastest way to Donald Trump's heart?
Ans: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why does it take longer to build a Trump snowman as opposed to a regular one?
Ans: You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in Trump's eye?
Ans: Shine a flashlight in his ear. .
What were Donald Trumps' three wives' favorite animals?
Ans: A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, and an ass to pay for it all.
What do New Jersey Governor and Trump supporter, Chris Christie and Charles Goren have in common?
Ans: They're both bridge experts.