Journalists and Soldier
Get Captured in Iraq
newsmen, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Jeff
Gannon, and Brit Hume, along with one U.S. soldier,
who had been formerly stationed at Abu Ghraib,
assigned to protect them were hiking through
the Iraq desert one day when they were captured
They were tied up, led to
a village, and brought before the leader. The
leader said, "I am familiar with your western
custom of granting the condemned a last wish
so, before we kill you, do you have any last
Rush Limbaugh said, "Well,
I'm a drug addict so I'd like some Oxycontin."
The leader nodded to an underling who left and
returned with a whole bag of Oxycontin pills.
Rush happily swallowed them all and said, "Now
I can die content."
Bill O'Reilly said, "I am
both a liar and sexual pervert, so I'd like
to talk dirty to some pretty women over the
phone." The leader nodded to a terrorist who
had studied the Western world and connected
Bill to a sex hotline. O'Reilly worked himself
up into a real sweat with an erection while
masturbated himself while describing all kinds
of weird sexual perversions to the woman on
the other end and then sighed and declared he
could now die peacefully after grossing out
all the women on the other end.
Jeff Gannon said, "I have
been a fake newsperson working for a GOP Pac
who was able to get White House day passes ahead
of other real journalists to allow me access
to the White House briefing room. I also enjoy
porn and gay porn and would like to view some
photos of gay men in magazines having sex. The
leader nodded and another terrorist returned
from an American newstand in Baghdad with several
porn magazines. He gave them to Jeff, who masturbated
while looking at the photos. "Now I can die
in peace," he said.
Brit Hume said, "I'm a newsman
to the end. I put out lies for the Bush Administration.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe
the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday my ignorant right wing audience will
hear it and know that I was on the job till
The leader directed an aide
to hand over the tape recorder and Hume dictated
some comments. He then said, "Now I can die
happy." The leader turned and said, "And now,
Mr. U.S. soldier, what is your final wish?"
"Shackle me and strip me
naked and sexually abuse my body as you wish
just like I treated your people in Abu Ghraib
and elsewhere," said the soldier, "I deserve
it for torturing so many innocent people based
on the orders of my government.
"What?" asked the leader.
"Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want
you to do this to me right away," insisted the
U.S. soldier. So the leader shackled him, stripped
him naked and his men had their way sexually
torturing him while the others watched and cheered.
While the soldier was crying
out in pain and embarrassment, Limbaugh, O'Reilly,
Gannon, and Humes, asked him, "Why didn't you
just shoot them? You had a gun and could have
gotten away and freed us all? Why did you ask
them to sexually assault you?"
"What," replied the soldier,
"so you four assholes could call me a war hero?
-- This joke originally came
to us written as an attack on the anti-war movement
so we re-wrote it.