Never Promised You a Ruse Garden -- A Letter
from Michael Moore to George W. Bush
Lt. George W. Bush,
hope you don't mind me referring to you by the
only true military rank you ever achieved, that
being the one from your on-again, off-again
"days" in the, um, Texas Air National Guard.
Ever since I saw you in that flyboy outfit,
landing on that ship, I assumed you now wanted
to be addressed by your military title, as opposed
to the civilian rank imposed on you by your
Lieutenant, I was wondering, would you do me
you PLEASE do better than a ROSE BUSH?
saw the guy on TV yesterday that your boys found,
the Iraqi who said he had "planted" some nuclear
plans in his "back yard" in Baghdad -- 12 years
ago -- "under a rose bush."
boy. That's a good one. Do you really think
we are as dumb as we look? I know our fascination
with "American Idol" and Scott Peterson may
make us Americans look a little light in the
head, but when it comes to lying to us to lead
us into war, we really do demand a bit more
of an EFFORT and a FOLLOW-THROUGH.
see, George, it's not the lying and the doctoring
of intelligence that has me all upset. It's
that you've had control of Iraq for over two
months now -- and you couldn't even find the
time to plant just a few nukes or vats of nerve
gas and at least make it LOOK like you weren't
lying to us.
see, by not faking some evidence of weapons
of mass destruction, it shows that you thought
no one would mind if it turned out you made
everything up. A different kind of president,
who believes that the American public would
be outraged if they ever found out the truth,
would go to great lengths to cover up his subterfuge.
did it with the Gulf of Tonkin. He said our
ships were "attacked" by the North Vietnamese.
They weren't, but he knew he had to at least
make it LOOK like it happened. Nixon said he
wasn't "a crook," but he knew that wasn't enough,
so he paid hush money to the burglars and somehow
had 18 1/2 minutes erased from a tape in the
Oval Office. Why did he do this? Because he
knew the American people would be pissed if
they found out the truth.
blatant refusal to NOT back up your verbal deception
with the kind of fake evidence we have become
used to is a slap in our collective American
face. It's as if you are saying, "These Americans
are so damn apathetic and lazy, we won't have
to produce any weapons to back up our claims!"
If you had just dug a few silo holes in the
last month outside Tikrit, or spread some anthrax
around those Winnebagos near Basra, or "discovered"
some plutonium with that stash of home movies
of Uday Hussein feeding his tigers, then it
would have said to us that you thought we might
revolt if you were caught in a lie. It would
have shown us some *respect*. We honestly wouldn't
have cared if it later came out that you planted
all the WMD -- sure, we'd be properly peeved,
but at least we would have been proud to know
that you knew you HAD to back up your phony
claims with the real deal!
guess you finally figured that out this week.
It started to appear that millions of us were
calling you on your bluff -- those "fictitious
reasons for the fictitious war." So you quickly
produced this man and his rose bush and some
12-year old piece of paper and some metal parts.
CNN broke in at 5:15pm and screamed they had
the exclusive! "IRAQI NUCLEAR PLANS FOUND!"
But a few good reporters started asking some
hard questions -- and, barely 3 hours later,
your own administration was forced to admit
the plans were "not the smoking gun" proving
that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.
a good idea to rely on a bush, Lieutenant.
PS. Sorry, I still can't get that padded flyboy
suit out of my head. I know, I need help. But
when you landed on that carrier, and that banner
read, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED," just what mission
was that that was accomplished? 'Cause by my
count, more than 50 of our young soldiers have
been died since you said the mission was accomplished.
Anarchy still reigns, the Brits are losing kids,
too, and wacko fundamentalists now seem to ready
to rule the land. Women are already being told
to cover their face and shut their mouths, store
owners who sell liquor have been executed, and
movie theaters showing "immoral" Hollywood movies
have been forced to shut down. And hey, this
isn't even west Texas! Maybe you could get back
into that jumpsuit, fly over to Baghdad and
land at the former Saddam International Airport,
jump out and give one of those big happy waves
-- under a sign that reads, "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE."