"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war
in Iraq, press one."
"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and
the White House's endorsement of torture, press two, and then say
the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and
please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is
pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb)."
"If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American
citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that
these calls will be recorded."
"If you are calling to complain about the disastrous
mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4,
and your c all will be directed to the Federal Emergency
Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without
anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have
been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within
"If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness
to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any
thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can
explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where you may
be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area."
"If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the
private line ? it is always open."
"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle,
please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should
proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please
understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit
and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring
"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the
recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7,
unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses
under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear
"If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts
to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the
disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be
cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling
with new research findings or important clinical data, please
hang up, we don't want to hear from you."
"If you are calling to express concern about global warming and
our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9,
unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are
forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist
we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at
"If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to
"privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound
key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at
Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your
savings in the stock market."
"If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public
schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10 and
Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly."
"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who
will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and
the President will be with you immediately."
"If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy,
press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more
than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a
million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy,
press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and
just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you,
please call back in a couple of years."
"Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options
again. Thank you for calling the White House.. It is our pleasure
to serve you.