Rules for Being a Good Republican
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and
a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative
radio jock, which makes it an "illness"
and needs our prayers for "recovery."
You have to believe that those privileged
from birth achieve success all on their own.
You have to be against government programs,
but expect your Social Security checks on
You have to believe that government should
stay out of people's private lives but it
needs to punish anyone caught having sex with
the "wrong" gender.
You have to believe that pollution is ok,
so long as it makes a profit.
You have to believe in prayer in schools,
as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
You have to believe that only your own teenagers
are still virgins.
You have to believe that a woman cannot be
trusted with decisions about her own body,
but that large multinational corporations
can make decisions affecting all mankind with
no regulation whatsoever.
You have to believe that you love Jesus and
Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your
hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary
You hate the ACLU for representing convicted
felons, but they owed it to the country to
bail out Oliver North.
You have to believe that it was wise to allow
Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to
attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents
have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
You have to believe that group sex is a degenerate
sin that can only be purged by running for
governor of California as a Republican.
You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms
out of schools, because we all know if teenagers
don't have condoms they won't have sex.
You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because
they defend the Constitution, while the NRA
is good because they defend the Constitution.
You have to believe that government medicare
is wrong and that HMOs and insurance companies
only have your best interests at heart.
You have to believe the AIDS virus is not
important enough to deserve federal funding
proportionate to the resulting death rate
and that the public doesn't need to be educated
about it, because if we just ignore it, it
will go away.
You have to believe that biology teachers
are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if
they teach them the basics of human sexuality,
but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence,
is just good reading.
You have to believe that atheism is a religion
but that creationism is just good science.
You have to believe that Saddam was a good
guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney was doing business with him, and a
bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't
find Bin Laden" diversion.
You have to believe that the lumber from the
last one percent of old growth U.S. forests
is well worth the destruction of those forests
and the extinction of the several species
of plants and animals therein.
You believe that the public has "a right
to know" about the adulterous affairs
of Democrats, while those of Republicans are
a "private matter".
You have to believe that the public has a
right to know what the government is doing
but that Bush was right to censor those 28
pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because
you just can't handle the truth.
You support state rights, which means Ashcroft
telling states what locally passed voter initiate
he will allow them to have.
You have to believe that Aid to Mothers with
Dependent children is wasteful, but giving
tax breaks to companies moving American jobs
overseas is just what government is for.
You have to believe that trade with Cuba is
wrong because it is communist, but trading
with China and Vietnam is just dandy.
Zepps Commentaries.com, 11/24/03