More Late Night Humor

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -Jay Leno

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign Leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." -David Letterman

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" -Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." -David Letterman

"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" -Jay Leno

"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." -Craig Kilborn

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." -Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." Jay Leno

"The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard." -David Letterman

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different - his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." -Jay Leno

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush." -David Letterman

"Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down." -Jay Leno

"It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd." -David Letterman

"President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day." -Jay Leno

"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." -Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said voters should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." -Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -David Letterman

"There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported. I think what's even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale." -Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy who once took a math test for him." -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush...was out campaigning. He took a two-day bus ride through Michigan, and I was thinking in Michigan, he'd probably get a pretty good turnout since no one in Michigan has a job to go to." -David Letterman

"Experts are saying this could be the first billion-dollar election. And that's not even counting the $875 raised by Ralph Nader.". -Jay Leno

"Bush and Cheney have a new campaign theme: 'Heart and Soul.' I think that sounds better than their first choice: 'Oil and Gas.'" - Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader's campaign officially says their candidate is now on the ballot in 29 states. Well, 31 if you count the states of hopelessness and delusional." - Jay Leno

"Martha Stewart is going to jail and Cat Stevens has been deported. Man I feel much safer." - David Letterman

"Today is a big day in foreign policy. Today is the first day they stopped searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I don't want to give away the ending but they did not find them." - John Stewart, Daily Show

Somewhere in Texas, (and Connecticut) there is a village missing its idiot.

"As you know, President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha the next time I see her." - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"You know the difference between Jane Fonda, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam". - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"As you know Tom DeLay is in a little bit of trouble. He says he didn't know that lobbying groups were illegally funding the trips he took all over the world. Don't you love this? Whenever these guys are running for office they always tell us how smart they are, how knowledgeable they are, how they know what's going on. As soon as they get caught doing something wrong 'I'm an idiot. I didn't know what was going on.'" - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." - David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush and the first lady were on the 'Today' show building a house for Katrina victims. And before they started building, they gave Bush a set of plans and he asked if he could keep them because you know, he's never had a set of plans." - Jay Leno, Tonight Show

"When President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Samuel Alito (for the US Supreme Court) he said he got the idea last weekend while turning the clocks back. - Jay Leno, Tonight Show

"Ben Bernanke is going to replace (Alan Greenspan as Fed Chairman) ...Apparently George Bush is trying out a new strategy: Qualified People." - David Letterman, Late Night with David Letterman

"President Bush is on an eight-day tour of Asia. He's visiting American jobs." - David Letterman, Late Night with David Letterman

"A chunk of marble fell off the facade of the Supreme Court building. Just fell off, boom. Engineers believe it may have gallen off because the building was leaning a little too far to the right." - Jay Leno, Tonight Show

"How could any of us have known? Sure, we wondered how a man who makes $160,000 a year could afford a yacht, drive a Rolls Royce and own a luxury condo in Arlington, Virginia, plus a mansion in Rancho Santa Fe, California. But he's a Republican, those guys know how to handle money." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Comedy Central after U.S. Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA) confessed to taking more than $2.4 million in bribes.

"President Bush said he was not afraid to go it alone. Boy, I tell you, if any more Republicans get indicted, he may have to." - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings." - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"I was coming to work this morning and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good..."So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency. - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"I don't think the President understands Hannukah. He lit all the candles in a menorah, hollered 'Happy Birthday!' and blew them out." - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating is on the rise. Well a lot of those polls are phone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah". - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again." --David Letterman

"If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." - David Letterman

"You can't blame Cheney. Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'" - Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?" - Jay Leno

"Let's just dive into the (Katrina) report. Who's to blame? Everyone...The report even singled out New Orlean's chef Emeril Lagasse for his failure to 'kick it up a notch.'" - Jon Stewart, Daily Show

"A firm owned by Dubai's government has purchased the rights to operate seaports in six major American cities, a move the White House approved without telling Congress. Even worse, everyone found out about the sale from that Texas quail hunter lady." - Jon Stewart, Daily Show

"New Rule: Stop worrying about whether the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not already working for the Bush Administration." - Bill Maher, HBO's Real Time

"If your're wondering why Dubai is being rewarded with this contract, it is not because Dubai is a monarchy that offers its guest workers no rights, or because Dubai was the home base for two of the 9/11 hijackers. It's actually just quid pro quo because they took Michael Jackson off our hands. - Jon Stewart, Daily Show

"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's been doing." - Jon Steward, Daily Show

"Not all of the generals are against him [Rumsfeld]. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"Did you hear what happened yesterday at the Washington National's game? Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch. And he was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he would be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy." - David Letterman, Late Night with David Letterman

"That is a shocker...someone coordinates policy at the White House?" - Bill Maher on Karl Rove giving up his policy coordination role, HBO's Real Time

"In other words, the White House is considering paying a Fox News reporter to tell the public what it would like them to hear. I hope he's up to the job." - Jon Stewart, Daily Show, on rumors that Tony Snow would replace Scott McClellan as press secretary

"Isn't it ironic that Bush is now in trouble with his generals while Clinton got into trouble with his privates." - Jay Leno, Tonight Show

"Let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The President makes decisions; he's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know -- fiction." - Stephen Colbert, Comedy Central, speaking at the White House Correspondents Dinner, 2006

"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today's college students 'lazy' and 'uninformed.' A spokesperson for college kids said 'Whatever, lady from TV.'" - Conan O'Brien, NBC's Late Night

"Mexican President Vincente Fox changed his mind and announced he will not sign a bil legalizing cocaine, heroin, and marijuana. He's worried about too many Americans illegally crossing his borders. - Jay Leno, Tonight Show

"I signed up for a new calling plan today. The 'NSA Friends and Family' plan: $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family." - Jay Leno, Tonight Show

"Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage...to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. ...We would join the only other three countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba, and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue." - Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"He [Mark Foley] spent most of his career protecting children from the internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself." --Jon Stewart, Daily Show

"The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb....it was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on too." --Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff reported to prison today for his six-year term for bribing members of Congress. Here is the ironic part--on his first day in prison, he ran into more congressman than he did when he was on Capitol Hill."--Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"The White House Christmas tree fell over today. Apparently, it was leaning too far to the right." --Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"This week in China, the pollution is so bad that most people are staying indoors...ordering American." --Conan O'Brien, NBC's Late Show

"President Bush admitted we are not winning in Iraq. Sounds like Miss USA is not the only one who has sobered up." --David Letterman

"Mister President, what is the new plan? 20,000 troops? We have 130,000 there now. That's only a 15% increase. That's not a surge, that's a gratuity." --Jon Stewart, Comedy Central

"Isn't that kind of frightening to open anyone's mail at any time? Today in a huge coincidence, President Bush announced he is the winner of the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes." --Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"It is in book form and entitled "The Way Forward --A New Approach," a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, "Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug." --Jon Stewart, Comedy Central

"Mitt Romney is running on the Republican ticket...I really like his campaign slogan. Have you seen it? 'Mitt Happens'. - Jimmy Kimmel, ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live