TEXAS NATIONAL GUARD VETERANS FOR BUSH (Script
for a TV ad for the Bush Campaign) - from
the author of Kiss My Left Behind,
a parody of the fundamentalist "Left Behind"
#1: People are not telling the truth about George
Bush's war experience.
#2: George Bush is just like a real war hero.
#3: I knowed George Bush. I served with him
in the Texas National Guard.
#4: While John Kerry was off in Vietnam, shooting
Gooks, George was right here in Texas, protecting
#5: George is a real Texas patriot. And George
REALLY knows how to have a good time, too!
#6: If I was going on a road trip, I would want
George right there next to me, riding shotgun.
#7: I felt safe with George sitting next to
me, a Coors in one hand and a rollin' a joint
with the other.
#8: And George sure knows where to go to have
fun. He knows every bar and strip club in Texas,
'cause George has been to 'em all.
#9: One time, in a bar in Austin, George had
this blonde stripper givin' him a lap dance,
and he was doing body shots off a different
stripper, both at the same time!
#10: There was this one stripper named Dixie.
I think George was in love with her. He used
to sit down front, next to the stage, and sing:
'I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray, Hooray! I wish
I was in Dixie, Hooray, Hooray!'
#11: And then he would say, Hey, Honey, do you
know what a Bronski is? And before you could
say Boo! George had his face shoved in her tits!
#12: George got up on the bar and started dancing.
He pulled his pants off and he was wearing a
bra on his head!
#13: And then we said, Come on, George, put
your pants back on. She don't want to see your
thing. And the rest of us have seen it. Lots
#14: This bouncer grabbed George and threw him
out of the bar. But not before we smashed up
a couple of chairs and set the men's toilet
#15: I remember one time when we were in this
bordello in Matamoros.
#16: George was snortin' coke off of this Mexican
#17: George still has a scar from when that
pimp hit him with a beer bottle.
#18: That cut started bleedin' like a sum-a-bitch.
I think his Dad got him a Purple Heart for that
#19: So get this! On the way home George had
his head stuck out the window of the Ford Mustang.
And he was puking all over the side of the car,
while it was still moving!
#20: Later that same night, George showed up
at my sister's house. He had a six-pack of Coors
in one hand and a bong in the other. Now that
boy knows how to party!
AMERICA NEEDS A PRESIDENT WHO KNOWS HOW TO PAR-TEE
for by Crawford Bottling & Fine Liquor, Crawford,