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Letter from George Bush - source unknown

Dear fellow American

Recent days have seen my campaign take hit after hit from scheming liberals bent on destroying not only The American Way, but civilization itself! If I don't win this election, you'll have a godless closet commie as your president, and your streets will be overrun with flaming faggots, dykes, druggies, people who dress weird, and all kinds of noncomformity n stuff! Is that your Cultural Heritage? The proud Heritage passed on by our Foundering Fathers? Of course it ain't. Okay, maybe they wore powdered wigs and silk stockings, but they were Real Men thru and thru! Plus, they had slaves and plenty of babes on the side, if you can call the ugly women back then "babes" but I guess they didn't know any better. Where was I? Oh yeah...

America was built on the Sovereignty of Money and the rich who control it. I am commited to seeing this wonderful System continue, and spread all over the world by force of arms if need be.

I will bring peace to the world even if I have to kill everyone to do it!

But if you don't vote for me, God won't talk to me anymore, and I'll have to shuffle off and get me a real job, or maybe just mooch off my old man until the geezer drops dead and I get my inheritance. Which ain't half bad when I think about it...hmmm. Golly! Then I can just party n stuff like I used to and get wasted and not give a damn anymore. This sobriety shit is for the birds anyway...

But back to my subject. Which was. Which was... Oh hell I forgot! Now I'll have to scroll back up to find out! Oh yeah. The election and all the hits my campaign has taken.

Look, I'm for truth and honesty as much as the next guy. But they're kind of like medicine, you know? A little can help, but a lot can make you real sick and maybe even kill you dead! All of them facts coming out about my jumping the gun on invading Iraq, lying about WMD's, diverting attention from Osama to Saddam, and all that other stuff. Well, it just ain't right.

No sir.

As your Incumbent, it is incumbent upon you, the people, in order to form a more perfect union, to bend over for me and take it up the wazoo. And LIKE it! Now, is that hard to understand? Of course it ain't. You guys n gals have been doing it since 1776 or thereabouts, being learned in school to be good little wage slaves for us rich, to mind your manners and get teary eyed and patriotic while we blow the hell out of someone for their oil. Or something else we want. Like maybe some of that Maui Wowie. And a cheeseburger. And fries! And a chocolate shake. And one of them deep-fried apple pies. Damn I love Micky D's! Its cheap and it tastes really good when you're stoned out of your mind on a couple blunts and a line of coke or two! But again I digress.

Anyway, John Kerry and John Edwards (John-John! Haw haw!) are the greatest threat to America that we've faced in a long time. Probably since my dad was elected, though I'm not sure 'cause my mom ain't here right now looking over my shoulder n stuff. Neither are those party poopers Dick and Colin. God them guys is so uptight, I swear they both crack walnuts between their ass cheeks!

Anyway, them Democrats is all messed up and a bunch of liars and even when they tell the truth you can't trust 'em because they'e always spouting off about actual real freedom and diversity and all of that dumb and dumber PC horsefeathers.

So, why did I email you? I ain't sure. If my mom or dad was here they could help me remember. Probably. I think. Anyway, vote for me or God will be really pissed off.

Yours in Governance,

Dubya

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