'06
Predictions, by
Will Durst
It
is the beginning of the new year, and typically
the time for we average ink stained wretches
to trot out the tried but true ye olde predictions
piece. The wretches that don't resort to trotting
out the trite but true ye olde resolutions piece
that is. Being the average traditionalist wretch
with great respect for heritage that I am, (especially
lacking any other fertile ideas whatsoever,)
I am proud to honor this revered journalistic
practice. Hence, I got your predictions for
the new year right here. Resolutions will show
up the next time I get stuck for other fresh
and bright ideas. In other words, soon. Happy
2006 everybody.
IN
THE YEAR 2006:
I
predict George W Bush will continue to cut programs
to the poor and the old so that rich people
can have more money. I also predict that through
a series of tragic financial reversals, the
43rd President will die both poor and old. Because
that's the way god would want it.
I
predict Tom Delay will lose his Houston Congressional
race to Conservative Democrat Nick Lampson who
lost his seat in '04 due to DeLay's redistricting
scheme, because that's also the way god would
want it.
I
predict this administration will break more
laws, then conduct investigations into who told
the press about the broke laws instead of investigating
crimes being broken. Like blaming Toto for the
Wizard of Oz's incompetence.
I
predict Paris Hilton will hold a press conference
to which no one will show up and she will wither
away like autumn leaves crushed by the tires
of an 18 wheeler blown away in a brisk breeze.
I
predict Dick Cheney's face will freeze like
that.
I
predict technology will become so user friendly,
geeks will go back to being nerds.
I
predict air travel will become less user friendly
to the point that certain discount seats require
pedaling.
I
predict the San Francisco Giants will win the
World Series, but in lieu of going to Disneyland
afterwards, Barry Bonds, the MVP, will instead
be whisked straight away to a retirement village
for a series of recuperative salt baths.
I
predict Bill Gates will develop a donor recipient
software program that makes himself obsolete.
I
predict that Iraq will have so many elections
this year, voter turnout will drop to levels
normally seen in North Dakota during force five
blizzards.
I
predict Tom Cruise will lose another debate
on the Today Show, this time to Katie Courics
assistant make up artist.
I
predict that during a stump speech in upstate
New York, Gubernatorial candidate Donald Trump's
hair will be wind-whipped into the shape of
a sail whisking him airborne into a mall parking
lot in suburban Vermont.
I
predict that lobbyist Jack Abramoff's squealings
will bring down so many members of Congress,
the 2007 Freshman Congressional House class
will be known as The Abramoff Babies.
I
predict governor Arnold Schwarzeneger will move
so far to the left in his attempt to mend fences
with California voters that Fidel Castro will
denounce him as a Socialist tool.
I
predict that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
will engage in a bout of such verbal gobbeldy-gook
he will confuse himself and finally be forced
to give a straight answer.
Political
Comic Will Durst wants to buy Donald Rumsfeld's
verbal gymnastics workout plan.
---
Will Durst is America's premier political comedian.
He writes "comedy for people who read, or know
someone who does." For more on Will, visit his
web site.
