Wonder
Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical
Companies, from
a viewer
March
6, 2006
NEW
YORK÷The Food and Drug Administration today
approved the sale of the drug PharmAmorin, a
prescription tablet developed by Pfizer to treat
chronic distrust of large prescription-drug
manufacturers.
Pfizer
executives characterized the FDA's approval
as a "godsend" for sufferers of independent-thinking-related
mental-health disorders.
"Many
individuals today lack the deep, abiding affection
for drug makers that is found in healthy people,
such as myself," Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell said.
"These tragic disorders are reaching epidemic
levels, and as a company dedicated to promoting
! the health, well-being, and long life of our
company's public image, it was imperative that
we did something to combat them."
Although
many psychotropic drugs impart a generalized
feeling of well-being, PharmAmorin is the first
to induce and focus intense feelings of affection
externally, toward for-profit drug makers. Pfizer
representatives say that, if taken regularly,
PharmAmorin can increase affection for and trust
in its developers by as much as 96.5 percent.
"Out
of a test group of 180, 172 study participants
reported a dramatic rise in their passion for
pharmaceutical companies," said Pfizer director
of clinical research Suzanne Frost. "And 167
asked their doctors about a variety of prescription
medications they had seen on TV."
Frost
said a small percentage of test subjects showed
an interest in becoming lobbyists for one of
the top five pharmaceutical companies, and several
! browsed eBay for drug-company apparel.
PharmAmorin,
available in 100-, 200-, and 400-mg tablets,
is classified as a critical-thinking inhibitor,
a family of drugs that holds great promise for
the estimated 20 million Americans who suffer
from Free-Thinking Disorder.
Pfizer
will also promote PharmAmorin in an aggressive,
$34.6 million print and televised ad campaign.
One
TV ad, set to debut during next Sunday's 60
Minutes telecast, shows a woman relaxing in
her living room and reading a newspaper headlined
"Newest Drug Company Scandal Undermines Public
Trust." The camera zooms into the tangled neural
matter of her brain, revealing a sticky black
substance and a purplish gas.
The
narrator says, "She may show no symptoms, but
in her brain, irrational fear and dislike of
global pharmaceutical manufacturers is overwhelming
her very peace of mind."
After
a brief summary of PharmAmorin's benefits, the
commercial concludes with the woman flying a
kite across a sunny green meadow, the Pfizer
headquarters gleaming in the background.
PharmAmorin
is the first drug of its kind, but Pfizer will
soon face competition from rival pharmaceutical
giant Bristol-Myers Squibb. The company is developing
its own pro-pharmaceutical-company medication,
Brismysquibicin, which will induce warm feelings
not just for drug corporations in general, but
solely for Bristol-Myers Squibb.
"A
PharmAmorin user could find himself gravitating
toward the products of a GlaxoSmithKline or
Eli Lilly," BMS spokesman Andrew Fike said.
"This could seriously impede the patient's prescription-drug-market
acceptance, or worse, Pfizer's profits in the
long run."
"Brismysquibicin
will be cheaper to produce and therefore far
more affordable to those o! n fixed incomes,"
Fike added.
The
news of an affordable skepticism-inhibitor was
welcomed by New York physician Christine Blake-Mann,
who runs a free clinic in Spanish Harlem.
"A
lot of my patients are very leery of the medical
establishment," Blake-Mann said. "This will
help them feel better about it, and save money
at the same time."
PharmAmorin's
side effects include nausea, upset stomach,
and ignoring the side effects of prescription
drug medication.
