Michael Moore Opens 'Mike's Office Of Homeland Security'
From Michael Moore
mike@michaelmoore.com
6-10-2

My fellow Americans,

We live in really, really, scary, scary times. BOO! See, you jumped, didn't you? I don't blame you. I did too, as I typed it! SCAAARRY TIMES!

Yes, there are thousands of evildoers who are working 24/7 to mess us up. Well, actually, it may only be a few hundred.

OK, fine. I'll come clean: It's just three guys -- and they go by the names of bin Bush, al-Ashcroft and Abu Cheney.

Yes, these three have put us all in grave danger. Whether it was their inaction before September 11th, or their actions since September 11th, they have made this a less-safe country -- and they are doing their damnedest to destroy our constitution and our American way of life. They must be stopped. Or at least sent on a very long Carnival Cruise.

That is why today I am announcing the creation of MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

This Office will, each day, issue the necessary warnings to the American people (and to the other freaked-out inhabitants of this planet) about what precautions and action you and they will need to take. Though not yet a cabinet-level department (this would first require removing the squatters at 1600 Penn. Ave.), Mike's Office of Homeland Security will act as THE one-stop shopping and command center charged with monitoring the movements of the doers of true evil. This Office will dispatch the forces of the American Public (the vast majority of whom never elected a single damn one of the men who now "lead" us) to conquer evil wherever it may be, from DC to Wall Street to the Republic of Texas.

Let's face it, folks, it's not that these are simply bad men. It's just that now, with all the recent revelations, it has become sadly evident they are just plain stupid ("Mr.'President,' we think Osama is going to hijack planes and crash them into buildings!" Bush: "Hey, I'm on vacation -- send my aides a memo!"). When George W. promised last week to "securitize" the country, who among us felt really safe (or "safetized")? When General Ashcroft (as the Democratic senators on the "oversight" panel reverently addressed him recently) spends our money on expensive drapes to cover up the statue of Lady Justice at the Justice Department because he does note want to see a stone breast exposed, who among us feels the cover-up at Justice stops there? When Dick Cheney disappears for long periods of time, who among us doesn't scream, "PAR-TY!!"

So the CIA knew this, and the FBI knew that. And they did nothing. But THEY will not be part of Bush's new cabinet department for HIS Office of Homeland Security. No, of course not! Why have the two of them stinkin' up the room? And what do THEY have to do with making sure SICKOS DON'T KILL US??!! No, instead, W. is going to whip the Coast Guard and the fruitfly inspectors at Immigration into shape, those lazy bastards! No wonder our lives are still in jeopardy -- it's the out-of-control toll collectors at the Windsor Tunnel in Detroit! Thank God the FBI and the CIA will be allowed to continue on their own separate paths, kicking the crap outta each other, and answerable to no one. AS IT SHOULD BE!! I mean, where would we be today (and how many may have lived) had the FBI not siphoned off the resources of 200 full-time FBI agents who spent the better part of the late '90s on the Clinton-Lewinsky case -- investigating the national security crisis of how to get a stain out of a blue dress! What if they had been doing their REAL job -- like investigating dip-shit flight training schools in Florida and Texas and SAVING PEOPLE,S LIVES?! What a waste of time! And still, to this day, not a single apology from any Republicans for that costly misdirection of police protection. (You see, if I were to go call 9-1-1 right now and send the cops off to some stupid non-crime scene, I would be arrested. When the Republicans did it, they got the White House.)

Well, enough carpin' about these losers. Nothing they do will prevent the next attack, sad to say. So, at the very least, I can offer to help protect our constitution, our civil liberties, and our precious right to watch football, eat Tostitos, and NOT fall off the couch.

Plus, my Office of Homeland Security will give out prizes! All the Bush Office is doing is giving out secret warrants to arrest Americans, throw them in secret prisons and never charge them.

My color codes of various security levels will come in everything from CODE MAUVE to CODE PERIWINKLE. I will explain the day's "Crisis Situation" and give you "Your Mission." By turning to Mike's Office of Homeland Security you may not survive the next terrorist attack, but you will definitely make it to November 2, 2004. And wake up happy on November 3.

By what authority do I establish this Office? Well, I may not be the President, but they've just told me I've sold more books this year than Harry Potter -- and, dammit, that should bestow some sort of superpowers on me to protect the rest of us, right?

Thank you. Good night. And God Bless America Except Florida.

Michael Moore Author Filmmaker Evildoer Doer