25 Rules for Being a Good Republican

 

1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for "recovery."

 

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

 

3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time.

 

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's private lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having sex with the "wrong" gender.

 

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

 

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

 

7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

 

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

 

9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

 

10) You hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

 

11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

 

12) You have to believe that group sex is a degenerate sin that can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

 

13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

 

14) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

 

15) You have to believe that government medicare is wrong and that HMOs and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

 

16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

 

17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is just good reading.

 

18) You have to believe that atheism is a religion but that creationism is just good science.

 

19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

 

20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

 

21) You believe that the public has "a right to know" about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".

 

22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know what the government is doing but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

 

23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiate he will allow them to have.

 

24) You have to believe that Aid to Mothers with Dependent children is wasteful, but giving tax breaks to companies moving American jobs overseas is just what government is for.

 

25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.

by Zepps Commentaries.com, 11/24/03